Website I found

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts this morning called Sticks & String. He was talking about a friend of his who is blogging about living with depression. David also said how he was very surprised by this because she is so creative, bright and a fun person to be around. I know a lot of creative people who suffer from depression. All through history in fact many of the greats, whether it be painter or musician have to deal with this. I read a book once about personality traits and the one that is the most creative is called Melancholic ( I believe that is what it was called. I can't find the book. I guess I have lost it.) this personality trait is the one who is most prone to depression or melancholia. I took the test in the book and I scored even in caloric (likes order, to be in control, analytical) and melancholic (creative, attentive to detail). I also unfortunately have the depression. It started after I had my first baby. You know the baby blues that are suppose to go away after 3 weeks or so? Well, they never went away. I didn't know it at the time that I was still depressed. I was too busy really to notice how I felt inside. What with being a single mom having to work full time and a social life, I just never thought about myself much. Then, one Sunday, we had a guest speaker at church. He talked about depression and I realized 2 years later that I had been depressed all this time. When they had an alter call at the end of the service, I went and was prayed for. I had my eyes closed while they were praying for me and when I opened them it was like a film had lifted off of my eyes. Everything before had looked like it was grayed out somehow. I hadn't noticed this because living in it seldom does one notice what they are used to. Even the brightest yellows were somehow muted in my eyes. When this grey film was lifted I could see again. Everything looked bright. I could see again.

Fast forward 7 years to my 2nd baby.... I got the dreaded baby blues again. This time I breast feed so that helped some but the depression didn't go away. I don't think it helped that I was married to a man that was emotionally bankrupt and had no compassion or gave any thought to anyone but himself. It didn't help my depression that by the time my 2nd son was 2 I was going through a divorce and also finding out that my son was autistic. I guess it also didn't help that I had no job, no car, and no house to live in. Let me just say that if God wasn't there always watching me and that I had praying family and friends, I would not be here typing this blog. My sons would not be alive and breathing and I would not have met my wonderful husband. I got to the point in my depression that one day I almost didn't turn off the car when i pulled into the garage. God used my beautiful babies. They were the only reason I turned off the car. I saw them grown up and living for God in that split second after I thought about not turning the ignition off.

Now I rarely have thoughts of suicide. I rarely even have bouts of sadness but they are there always in the back of my thoughts. Its always sitting there on my right shoulder. Trusting God has done a lot to alleviate the pain. I don't want to take drugs, although I probably should, but I am trying diet and exercise instead.

One thing that has helped me is crafting. Making things with my hands has always helped with the pain. It helps me forget myself as I make things for the people I love. I am now using yarn and 2 pointy sticks. I am knitting away the pain.

Here is a website called Stitchlinks that tells how knitting is therapy. I didn't even know that all the crafting I have done over the years is my therapy but I do now and it endears me to it even more.