It's been a loooong time....

Well, I have neglected my blog a long time! I am not sure why but I just got out of the habit, I think. For the last 2 months, I have been sick, sick, sick. I found out in May, right after getting back from visiting my family in AL, that I am preggers. I was totally socked and didn't expect it. In fact, after my miscarriage we had pretty much given up on having a baby. I had even talked myself out of it and figured I had 2 boys that's enough. I really didn't need another baby. Well, God laughed at me and gave me one anyways. Everyone thinks I am crazy but I know this baby is a girl. I feel different in this pregnancy then with the boys. I was just puking for the first 2 months with the boys but this time, I didn't puke at all ( thank you God!!!) I was just sooooooooo tired. I spent the whole time either in bed or on the sofa downstairs watching tv. The house is a total mess but I just kept saying well there is nothing I can do about it right now and Lars did help but he isn't a very clean person as plus he has a full time job so the house isn't exactly gross it just needs a good cleaning.

Wed. of last week, I was officially 14 weeks pregnant and came out of the funk. I tell ya it's like magic or something one day I felt like dooky the next back to my old self. I even got to play a little bit of WoW this weekend. I went to Target. Oh, and helped set up our new pool. It's just a little 8'x30" blow up type but it has a filter and you put real pool chemicals in it. I wanted something to sit in this summer but I didn't want to have to empty it every couple of days. Yeah sitting there waiting for the pool to fill up in 90 degree heat made my face all red. Liam says hey whats wrong with your face? I said I don't know you tell me. He said it's all red! I was like oh I guess I am hot hehe. I get super hot when I am pregnant. Hence why I got a pool. I like to go outside but I get so overheated.

Well time to go tackle the kitchen, my first room to clean for the week. I want the house at least presentable by this weekend. Oh Liam and I have to do his tests for his homeschooling. I almost forgot about those. VA law says you have to take an approved test and turn in the results by Aug 1st. I think we will be late but that's ok I have an excuse.

Stranger Than Fiction

I just got finished watching one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. The movie is about a man named Harold Crick. He is an accountant and totally trapped in his own life. He always does the same thing day after day. Nothing changes for him until one day as he is walking to the bus stop, he hears a voice. This voice is narrating his life. He thinks he's crazy at first but then he realizes that the voice is telling him what is happening while it is happening, so he can't be crazy. He talks to a psychiatrist and she sends him to a literary professor. He doesn't believe him until he says this quote from the voice, "Little did he know....". The story goes on from there of Harold and the professor trying to figure out who the author might be. One day while in the professors office, Harold hears the voice on T.V. Immediately, he runs and finds the author, to tell her not to kill him. I wont tell you anymore because you need to see this movie.

This movie isn't just a comedy. It is about life and living our lives. We all live and we all die. It is what you do in between that matters. Do you want to make a difference in this world? How will you go about doing it? Will you just walk through life never touching another's, or will you go beyond your comfort zone? This movie is awesome. It is poetical. It is cinematicly beautiful. See this movie. It will touch your heart on so many different levels.

Website I found

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts this morning called Sticks & String. He was talking about a friend of his who is blogging about living with depression. David also said how he was very surprised by this because she is so creative, bright and a fun person to be around. I know a lot of creative people who suffer from depression. All through history in fact many of the greats, whether it be painter or musician have to deal with this. I read a book once about personality traits and the one that is the most creative is called Melancholic ( I believe that is what it was called. I can't find the book. I guess I have lost it.) this personality trait is the one who is most prone to depression or melancholia. I took the test in the book and I scored even in caloric (likes order, to be in control, analytical) and melancholic (creative, attentive to detail). I also unfortunately have the depression. It started after I had my first baby. You know the baby blues that are suppose to go away after 3 weeks or so? Well, they never went away. I didn't know it at the time that I was still depressed. I was too busy really to notice how I felt inside. What with being a single mom having to work full time and a social life, I just never thought about myself much. Then, one Sunday, we had a guest speaker at church. He talked about depression and I realized 2 years later that I had been depressed all this time. When they had an alter call at the end of the service, I went and was prayed for. I had my eyes closed while they were praying for me and when I opened them it was like a film had lifted off of my eyes. Everything before had looked like it was grayed out somehow. I hadn't noticed this because living in it seldom does one notice what they are used to. Even the brightest yellows were somehow muted in my eyes. When this grey film was lifted I could see again. Everything looked bright. I could see again.

Fast forward 7 years to my 2nd baby.... I got the dreaded baby blues again. This time I breast feed so that helped some but the depression didn't go away. I don't think it helped that I was married to a man that was emotionally bankrupt and had no compassion or gave any thought to anyone but himself. It didn't help my depression that by the time my 2nd son was 2 I was going through a divorce and also finding out that my son was autistic. I guess it also didn't help that I had no job, no car, and no house to live in. Let me just say that if God wasn't there always watching me and that I had praying family and friends, I would not be here typing this blog. My sons would not be alive and breathing and I would not have met my wonderful husband. I got to the point in my depression that one day I almost didn't turn off the car when i pulled into the garage. God used my beautiful babies. They were the only reason I turned off the car. I saw them grown up and living for God in that split second after I thought about not turning the ignition off.

Now I rarely have thoughts of suicide. I rarely even have bouts of sadness but they are there always in the back of my thoughts. Its always sitting there on my right shoulder. Trusting God has done a lot to alleviate the pain. I don't want to take drugs, although I probably should, but I am trying diet and exercise instead.

One thing that has helped me is crafting. Making things with my hands has always helped with the pain. It helps me forget myself as I make things for the people I love. I am now using yarn and 2 pointy sticks. I am knitting away the pain.

Here is a website called Stitchlinks that tells how knitting is therapy. I didn't even know that all the crafting I have done over the years is my therapy but I do now and it endears me to it even more.